God wants me to be fat

According to the bible (and you can read it to get some context)

1 Corinthians 2:9-“Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love Him.”

Nahum 1:9- “Affliction shall not rise up the second time.”

When we all ascend to heaven, we will be restored and will get all our bits back. This may very well be lovely when you are missing an arm or a leg but I’m having part of my stomach removed so that I’m able to lose weight and have a better, more fulfilling and able life.

When I get to heaven, It will be restored and will start getting fat all over again. Bugger.

LUKE 12:10, “And everyone that says a word against the Son of Man, that will be forgiven; But he that blasphemes against The Holy Spirit will not be forgiven”

So that gives me an out right here. “God Sucks Bottom!”. There, I’ve said it and it’s unforgivable so at least I should be able to stay a better size in hell. I wonder if Satan ever wants to restore bits. Maybe I should have read about that first. Does anyone have a copy of the Satan gospel for me to read ? It can’t be worse than the bible. At least Satan doesn’t ask people to kill their children, bring plagues upon whole populations or drown everyone including men, women, children, babies and animals merely because people didn’t pander to him enough.

3 Replies to “God wants me to be fat”

  1. Heaven is all good, no bad. Don’t place earthly mindsets on something that is different. When Jesus was raised he wasn’t bound by earthly obstacles e.g. he walked through locked doors and wall (even though he walked on water before he was cricified). So in heaven you won’t be fat. YYou won’t get your earthly stomach back, you’ll get a heavenly one. But first you actually have to believe in him and realise your place in the God euqation in order to get there which is a bigger sticking point for you than your stomach – or lackthereof!

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